A cheesy post..

This might be a cheesy post. But it’s something i’ve felt over the past couple of years.

Whenever i watch a lovey dovey movie.. or whenever i go to a wedding.. i get this feeling. This bad bad gut feeling.. that i’m destined to be alone. That i’m not good enough. That my not being pretty or not being good enough is the reason why i am still single. It just physically pains me sometimes. Literally.. physically pains me. I dunno why. But it does.

I know i’m not an old maid, but i’m 25. I’ve been in love once. Two years or so ago. And he was the only guy i knew ever. Since then.. it’s been nothing. I did go on dates. Disappointing ones. I end up coming home and crying coz it went that bad. But then there are other times i come home crying.. That’s when someone is sweet to me, and i know i can’t have him. I know i can never have him. I am never satisfied am i? Someone not being interested hurts, and someone being sweet to me hurts. Such a wuss i am.

But that’s not the thing. When i look into the mirror, i see a nobody. I mean, yes it’s great that now i finally have a job doing what i’ve always wanted. But.. i’ve also wanted to be with someone. To belong. To be loved. I feel like even that’s selfish to ask. Greedy of me to ask. Whenever someone gives me a ride home or something.. i make sure i thank the person. Whenever someone does me a favor.. i thank the person. Not coz i am trying to be grateful or anything… i mean i am. But it’s mainly coz i don’t feel like im good enough to be done that favor, or given that ride.  I see a nobody.. looking at that mirror.

I know it’s a lot of complaining… but i get tired of seeing my friends get into relationships. Committing to each other. Getting married. Having kids. Having another kid. I get tired of realizing its a life i cant have. I keep thinking if i was pretty or slim, someone might notice me. But im not any of those. I am not even good at talking. I freak out and sound like a moose half the time.

… what do i do?

.

When my day starts and ends with you…

tumblr_miefftup9J1qitvdso1_500

I met a guy a long time ago. We were good friends through out the years. Lately.. i’ve been talking to him a lot. A LOT. I dunno how this happened. He was the one to push me to apply for my current job. He asked me to believe in myself. For this.. i owe him so much.

But more than that i dunno how i feel anymore. And im scared of feeling anything more. It’s scary when i wake up updating him about my schedule for the day.. and sleep while talking to him .. chat, not phone calls. He is shy.. the only thing that makes me wonder if anything can ever happen..

Did that even make sense?

The good and the bad

Let’s start with the bad. Since it was the bad that happened first anyway.

Two days ago, my sister was cooking up some prawns. I LOVE prawns. But sometime back i had a bit of my lip swelled up after eating prawns. So i decided that i can’t eat it. Again later on i accidentally ate it (mixed into some rice).. and nothing at all happened. So this day (two days ago), i thought it’s gonna be okay. How wrong was i?

First nothing happened. I rejoiced saying “I’m alive”. I was making kites with my niece and nephew. We went up on the terrace to fly them. Mid flight i felt my lungs burning up. It was the worst attack i had. I can’t remember how i managed to get downstairs to my apartment to grab my inhaler.. nor the number of puffs i took. I was scared. My nephew followed me angry, ‘coz i left so abruptly. He saw my state and rushed to his mother. Previously, i have told all of them that if i have an attack, leave me be for a while. I get irritated when people touch me, or talk. So my sisters observed me from afar, once in awhile coming into the room and checking up. My eldest sister noticed that i got hives. My face was swelled up and red. She insisted that i go to hospital. I insisted no, I hate hospitals.

Like an hour later, the asthma attack got better, but the hives were there, and it was getting worse. I hated that feeling, so i agreed to go to hospital. The doctor i showed to didn’t even look at me, ask a question, check my skin or my breathing before he started writing medication down. He didn’t bother to explain what it was even when asked. Just said to take this at this hour and that at that hour. On top of that he wasn’t sure of the medicine name, and was asking his helper if she knew. I was irritated. I wasn’t gonna take a medicine that was given by a doctor on a whim.

Anyway.. i feel much better now. No thanks to medicine. But i realized later that my attack could have been worse. Anaphylaxis was the worst thing that could have happened.. and thank god that it didn’t happen. The emergencies in this town… they suck. People have to wait in line for emergencies, to be categorized to see whats worse. If the person who sees me first doesn’t realize i really can’t breathe, i’ll have to wait for treatment.

Now for the good news. I got the job i applied for. YAYYYYY! I mean this is not just any job. This is THE job. The job i always wanted. The place i always wanted to work at. I will finally be able to show to everyone that i can do it. Coding is something i love. And i will be doing that for a career. Yayyy! 😀 Salary is awesum. People there seem friendly. Today i went and signed the contract. I start work tomorrow. I am SOO nervous.

Here’s to dreams coming true.. 🙂

The last month

It’s been a white since a posted anything. Over one and a half month i think. I’ve been depressed. Every time i thought of writing a post or anything .. i just kept asking “What’s the point?” Even when i needed to plan and make lists (which i often do).. i just kept asking that. In turn, i didn’t make lists, i didn’t write down how everything was with me, and i didn’t even manage to plan for the next hour of a day.

I dunno how that happened. But because of that, i have successfully failed in the project i was attempting and the math module. Talking about it still makes me feel uncomfertable. Seeing my transcript that day made me want to crawl up in my bed and cry the whole day. And that’s what i did. But not a whole day. For almost a week. I told no one, and i just stayed in bed.

By the time i told my immediate family, it was a week past. By the time i told my aunts (who are still relatively close people for me) it was a fortnight past i think. I told my friends about this a month later (minus my bestfriend.. she knew right away)

Since then it’s been chaos. I’ve been trying to understand what i did wrong. Everything i did was SO wrong that it’s impossible to believe that i did that in a sensible mind. But then, i doubt i did that in a sensible mind. I still recall my mentality that semester. I was all “I’ll do that after my exams”, “I’ll meet you guys after exams”, “I’ll go to this place after my exams”. To top it off my birthday fell on my study break. I did not go out, i did not enjoy myself. Everything… after exams. And after exams? Depression with the results. So that’s ONE thing i did wrong. Putting things off for after exams.

Two. I listened to people. The wrong type of people. Some of my friends, i believe, are not a good influence on me. They judged me for being who i was. I am normally someone who makes lists of things to do. I organize every day of my life. I plan things on my whiteboard. I have a system. I have to have my bed made the moment i get off it. I clean my wardrobe once a week. I dust once a week. I simply cannot sleep if my room isn’t at least swept, and my toilet clean. Yes, i cannot get into bed unless my room is clean enough. Even if in the middle of the night, i clean. If i’m going out of the house, like college or somewhere, i have to clean my room. My friends doesn’t like this about me. They said i was being too much. They made fun. And … i was naive. I actually believed it. And i tried pushing myself to see how much of not cleaning i could handle. And that made me more depressed, seeing the state of the room.

Three. I make terrible decisions. I decided to attempt my final year project alone. It’s a 120 credit project. I decided to do it ALONE. Alone isn’t allowed. There was two other teams. And, i opted to do it alone. Just coz i am .. controlling? I dunno. It was a BAD decision. BAAAD BAAAAAD! 😦

So to sum up:
1. I need to live my life. Studies and my own life CAN come simultaneously!
2. Stop listening to others. Follow my own instincts. If i like things clean, do it!
3. Learn to make better decisions. Ask the right people for advice. People with experience!

Anyway.. since then stuff have happened. Some for the best i guess. I applied for a job at the place i have always wanted to work at. And i get an answer tomorrow. I’m hoping for the best 🙂 Also, I’m attempting the project this time again. This time i got a team. A very challenging team.

All in all… i guess things happen for the best 🙂

Bad day

catangry

^ how i feel right now…

Today is a day i never wanna re-live. I was utterly humiliated. And it was mainly my fault. I was not prepared enough. I was late, i was not ready. I was… careless. But dammnnn… i never expected it to go THAT bad.

I had my final project’s presentation today. I had 14 weeks to do it. And you know when i actually started doing it? A week ahead. I had to do so many modules this semester coz it’s my last semester (…. god.. is it my last semester anymore? Will i pass?!). Project’s are also group works. Groups of two or three. I didn’t have a team mate, whereas others did. And alone, doing a project… worst decision EVER.

If you ever decide to work on something alone.. don’t. Those guys who stay in the team and basically do nothing? They do a lot. They make you wanna prove that you can do the work by yourself far better… which MAKES you do it better. When you do it alone, you’ve no motivation to do. You’ve no one pushing you saying “Hey, have you completed this section of this?” … ugh! WHY!!! Why did i decide to do it ALOOOOONE!?

If i can go back in time, i’ll slap the me from four months ago.

Miscarriage and showing Empathy

il_340x270.577215876_1djz

I don’t understand human feelings sometimes. The pain we feel… how do we express it? If we show it, we are often said to be over emotional. If we don’t show it, we are said to be heartless. So is there really a mid way?

Today, my sister had a miscarriage. She is devastated obviously. This is what people (close relatives) were saying to her or about her:

“You shouldn’t feel sad. It is just a normal thing. No big deal” 

“You should have taken better care of yourself. You worked too hard those last few days, and now the baby is gone. Think of the baby next time.”

“Don’t worry, she can try again next month or the next.”

Now, i don’t claim to be one with emotions so much… but i highly doubt this is a healthy approach. I was weird-ed out by how they responded. Some were plain rude. If i can keep her in a bubble, i would. But i know people are mean and cruel at times.. and  she will have to face the world with this news one day. And people… they will come up with some way to comment on her situation, and relate it to their pregnancy experience as close relative already have done.

People can feel upset. Be it miscarriage or any form of sad news that may come in their way. Whatever happened to just hold their hands and listen to them? Why the need to comment on things, pass out judgement and make things worse?! Don’t they understand what might be going on in her head? How much guilt she might be feeling when they say such words? I, for one, wanna throw a brick at them -_-

Honestly, my sister wasn’t overemotional or anything. Even if she was, she has EVERY right to be. She cried for a bit and now she is a bit calm. Me, other sisters and her husband are with her to make sure she is not lonely. I just wish people were more empathetic.

A Student Life

How does a student life go? Is it always easy peasy as people imagine? Here is how student life feels for me:

1. Being tired ALL . THE . TIME . (specially those days before the finals)

5-More-MinsI’m tired. Like super tired. Coffee usually keeps me awake, but now it doesn’t work.

The other day i was working late that i forgot breakfast and lunch. I ended up filling up on a pizza for a late lunch. Yep. A full pizza. It was all the meals of the day for me. Ofcoz, it wasn’t one sitting. It took me over 2 hours to eat it. By dinner time, i wasn’t hungry. After a night class, i slept after some tea. Next morning i woke up really hungry. But the clock told me that i am gonna be late. I had four hours of classes. Without breakfast i had to rush. I bought a drink on my way, but i had no guts to drink it in public. I came home that afternoon, tired and worn out.. and starving. By then it was 24 hours since i ate. But the bed looked too comfy, and i slept. And slept… and slept.

Yeap, that’s how bad it gets sometimes. Naturally, i woke up later and had something to eat.

2. You never have any money by the end of the month

clip-art-man-with-empty-walletToday, i realized i am broke… again. I have just 20 bucks left right now. (That’s like USD 1.3). That buys me a bread. But i need some water. I guess i have to take a small loan again *sigh* Loans… I have so many loans piled up. I have been paying for my tuition fee on my own. The first year, my brother paid for me. But now i pay on my own.. ‘coz *cough* grown up and all that *cough*

These days have been a string of bad mistakes. First, i spent so much on some stuff i didn’t need. Being an undergrad student is supposed to be easy i hear. But, i have to work to earn a living. I pay bills on my own. I know, lots of others do it too. But, its scary. Being responsible and stuff.. scary.

3. Trying to find a grad school that might take me in

gty_graduation_piggy_bank_nt_130621_wmainMy brother wants me to apply for a masters degree. I feel like screaming at him that i am not even done with the bachelor’s degree! I know his heart is in the right place. His nagging made me look into it. I found a uni in NZ that offers the course that i want. It was pricey. WOW pricey! Approximately $40000. That’s like more than half a million bucks here.

*sigh* I’m gonna have to apply for a scholarship or get a student loan. The interest rates here are so high that it scares me. But lets see..

4. Say bye-bye to social life

tumblr_inline_mwohf1P37z1qjhcjaDespite being an introvert, i do have a good number of friends. It’s more like close friends. There is actually two groups that i consider being close friends with. One is kinda getting distant now. I still talk to all of them separately when ever i can. They also keep in touch. Some of them are abroad so, we only meet up annually.

Then there is my current “gang”. It’s two couples, and their two other friends, one of them’s sister, and me. We meet up almost every month. At least i try to meet them once a month. If they had it their way it would be every night. They get annoyed that i don’t hang out as often. And luckily my best-friend understands that i have to study, so she makes them .. well understanding a bit. My birthday is coming up right before my exams and possibly on the day of my final presentation. I already have threats from them to be thrown to the sea, whether i have exam or not. (Not sure if they are kidding. I hope they are kidding. I can’t swim O_O)

I love those guys. I wish i can hang out with them more often. But, sometimes there is a paper due or an exam. And for me relaxing time isn’t with friends. It’s when i’m alone in my room and resting or watching something.. ALONE. Hanging out with them is exhausting. And those nights i do hang out with them, i come home like around 1:30 AM.. and i end up being late for morning class.

5. Constantly worrying about grades 

grumpyI dunno about others. I find myself day dreaming (or day nightmare-ing) about the bad case scenarios. Like being late for my final presentation or oversleeping on the day of my finals. Or failing my final project. Or having a issue in my code while presenting my program (yeah, i do Info Tech). Or not getting 80% attendance to sit for exams. Or having an asthma attack while in the exam hall (I have a thing about using inhaler in public.. i am shy that way). Or forgetting my calculator for my stats exam. Or having the calculator on the wrong mode and finishing the exam with wrong answers. Or ALL of my pens running out of ink suddenly.

*breathe*

Now, i need a cookie or something

Rantings of a hyper me

Warning: Ranting coming up!

Don’t you just hate it when you are hyper and in need of talking to someone, but there is NO one to talk to? I don’t know about others, but it happens to me. I just finished part of my project (part..  like only 10%) and i was all hyper and excited about it. I live in a house full of people (Lots of people.. but thank god i have my own room, in which i would stay all day if i could). Sometimes even with all those people, i feel alone. I’m a hugger. When i am sad, or moody, or even excited and happy.. i need to hug someone. I have a sister i can hug, and another sister who would scream at the slightest touch (i wonder how she ever got married.. or is it just me?)

Minecraft survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

Minecraft PE survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

I love hugging people. But sometimes, specially right now, when i’m this excited about something, there is no one. Not even my 7 year old nephew, unless i threaten him that i won’t play MineCraft with him on Fridays (We play it every Friday for hours non-stop). Yes, i play MineCraft. It’s FUNNNN!!! And yes I’m a horrible person as to threaten a 7 year old with games 😛 But, he does that to me! If i don’t do as he says in MineCraft, he would attack me with a sword (a MineCraft sword). I love that little devil. He brightens up the days most of the time. (Not all the time, just most. He tend to get on my bad side and annoy the hell out of me. Example: jumping up and down singing “lets play MineCraft” when i have a work due in a few hours”) But today he is off at his Grandma’s, coz his mother has exam. And there is no one i can annoy or talk excitedly about my project with — EXCEPT YOU GUYS!!! 😀

So.. i am LOVING the fact that i started blogging again! (yes, i used to have a blog before, mainly just poems.. was too afraid to write like this ‘coz people might judge me)

Natural Escape - ApplePie  scented candle

Natural Escape – Apple Pie scented candle

While we are at it. Don’t you just LOVE candles? I dunno why, but i light up my candle (only one right now) every night, while getting ready for bed. Makes me relax for some reason. Right now it’s applepie scented candle. I should get some more scented ones 😀 My sister has a coconut scented one, and if she lights it, it just makes the entire place smell so awesum (Yes i love spelling awesome like that)

Anyway, better get to work again. More to do… *sigh*

Hello world :)

I guess there is a reason that the default title reads Hello World. I wanted to write something unique as my first post, but 15 minutes into thinking.. still waiting for that uniqueness.

To start, i am a girl. Strike that, i am a woman. Almost 25 counts as woman? Anyway. I always enjoyed writing. For some reason today right now, i am at a loss for words. I’m starting this blog anonymously, because there are some stuff in my life i want people close to me to not know. That’s not so weird is it? Mostly, people don’t even have time to hear me out anyway, and i wouldn’t like to force people to stay and listen either. I just need some way to get my thoughts out once in a while. Else my head will explode (not literally, i just go into depression mode for a day and eat an entire pizza or something)

I’ve always kept a journal, at some point in my life or the other. In the form of an actual book to keeping it as a One Note file on my laptop. Books get lost, or read by those with prying eyes. Files on laptop get deleted at some point. I used to keep a blog on Blog-spot even, but that was mainly poetry. (Yeah, i love poetry). So, what better way to start journal-ing than to start a blog again? 😀