The last month

It’s been a white since a posted anything. Over one and a half month i think. I’ve been depressed. Every time i thought of writing a post or anything .. i just kept asking “What’s the point?” Even when i needed to plan and make lists (which i often do).. i just kept asking that. In turn, i didn’t make lists, i didn’t write down how everything was with me, and i didn’t even manage to plan for the next hour of a day.

I dunno how that happened. But because of that, i have successfully failed in the project i was attempting and the math module. Talking about it still makes me feel uncomfertable. Seeing my transcript that day made me want to crawl up in my bed and cry the whole day. And that’s what i did. But not a whole day. For almost a week. I told no one, and i just stayed in bed.

By the time i told my immediate family, it was a week past. By the time i told my aunts (who are still relatively close people for me) it was a fortnight past i think. I told my friends about this a month later (minus my bestfriend.. she knew right away)

Since then it’s been chaos. I’ve been trying to understand what i did wrong. Everything i did was SO wrong that it’s impossible to believe that i did that in a sensible mind. But then, i doubt i did that in a sensible mind. I still recall my mentality that semester. I was all “I’ll do that after my exams”, “I’ll meet you guys after exams”, “I’ll go to this place after my exams”. To top it off my birthday fell on my study break. I did not go out, i did not enjoy myself. Everything… after exams. And after exams? Depression with the results. So that’s ONE thing i did wrong. Putting things off for after exams.

Two. I listened to people. The wrong type of people. Some of my friends, i believe, are not a good influence on me. They judged me for being who i was. I am normally someone who makes lists of things to do. I organize every day of my life. I plan things on my whiteboard. I have a system. I have to have my bed made the moment i get off it. I clean my wardrobe once a week. I dust once a week. I simply cannot sleep if my room isn’t at least swept, and my toilet clean. Yes, i cannot get into bed unless my room is clean enough. Even if in the middle of the night, i clean. If i’m going out of the house, like college or somewhere, i have to clean my room. My friends doesn’t like this about me. They said i was being too much. They made fun. And … i was naive. I actually believed it. And i tried pushing myself to see how much of not cleaning i could handle. And that made me more depressed, seeing the state of the room.

Three. I make terrible decisions. I decided to attempt my final year project alone. It’s a 120 credit project. I decided to do it ALONE. Alone isn’t allowed. There was two other teams. And, i opted to do it alone. Just coz i am .. controlling? I dunno. It was a BAD decision. BAAAD BAAAAAD! 😦

So to sum up:
1. I need to live my life. Studies and my own life CAN come simultaneously!
2. Stop listening to others. Follow my own instincts. If i like things clean, do it!
3. Learn to make better decisions. Ask the right people for advice. People with experience!

Anyway.. since then stuff have happened. Some for the best i guess. I applied for a job at the place i have always wanted to work at. And i get an answer tomorrow. I’m hoping for the best 🙂 Also, I’m attempting the project this time again. This time i got a team. A very challenging team.

All in all… i guess things happen for the best 🙂

Bad day


^ how i feel right now…

Today is a day i never wanna re-live. I was utterly humiliated. And it was mainly my fault. I was not prepared enough. I was late, i was not ready. I was… careless. But dammnnn… i never expected it to go THAT bad.

I had my final project’s presentation today. I had 14 weeks to do it. And you know when i actually started doing it? A week ahead. I had to do so many modules this semester coz it’s my last semester (…. god.. is it my last semester anymore? Will i pass?!). Project’s are also group works. Groups of two or three. I didn’t have a team mate, whereas others did. And alone, doing a project… worst decision EVER.

If you ever decide to work on something alone.. don’t. Those guys who stay in the team and basically do nothing? They do a lot. They make you wanna prove that you can do the work by yourself far better… which MAKES you do it better. When you do it alone, you’ve no motivation to do. You’ve no one pushing you saying “Hey, have you completed this section of this?” … ugh! WHY!!! Why did i decide to do it ALOOOOONE!?

If i can go back in time, i’ll slap the me from four months ago.