If you were here…

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If you were here now

The things I’d tell you

The things I’ve seen

Since you were gone


I would dote you

As I should have

Every single day

Sitting by your side


Mama, you are

The most amazing soul

It was my privilege

To have been your daughter



This is a poem dedicated to my mum 🙂 Since it’s Mother’s day… it seemed appropriate.

Also, here’s the i wrote a whole post about her here, if you care to read

How i lost the most important person

I wrote this post on two days ago, on 8th May. It was an important day for me. This post is the reason why, and the story of how it became an important day for me. I did not plan to post this writing actually… but i thought i might as well put it out into the world. Be warned… it’s a LONG post… and it was rushed, so there might be grammatical mistakes.

Eight of May. What is the significance of that day? It used to be:

  • Eight days after 1st May
  • Four days before my birthday
  • Three days after my ex aunt in law’s birthday
  • Two days before children’s day (Here where I live)

… till it became the worst day of my life.

Early 2010, my mother started getting sick. She had pains radiating from her back to front abdomen. She couldn’t eat properly. She couldn’t sleep properly. We (my sisters, brother and I) showed her to specialists. No luck. Her scans showed everything was normal. Then, late May of that year, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was 55 years old at that time. Just 55 years old. Doctors here weren’t qualified to treat cancer of any form, and they couldn’t pinpoint which stage of cancer she was having. So, they took her abroad to get a formal diagnosis. I had to stay behind.

It was stage four pancreatic cancer metastasis to liver. Doctors predicted she could last 6 months without treatment, and around 8 months with treatment. I still remember the day I heard that news. I remember being frozen. I had just started college and I was having my first semester examinations. I don’t remember how I managed to pass any of those papers.

When Mum was brought back, I remember she was angry. She was not told what was going on. Oh! How stupid my sisters were. Mum is an evil genius. You try to hide something from her, she finds out. She wasn’t upset that she was having cancer. She was upset that they thought she couldn’t handle it. She was strong. I had no idea anyone can be told that they have this amount of months left… and still go about as if nothing happened.

The early months were bareable. She struggled to let us wait on her. She was so used to doing things on her own. She insisted on cooking and cleaning. We let her do minimal amount to make her feel wanted. I remember this one day, I was going to college. I was late and I was going to skip breakfast. I was almost out the door when she handed a box to me. It was packed breakfast, by her. I almost gave her a hug. (But I couldn’t… coz that was not our thing) I went to college, had breakfast between classes and cried. Cried knowing that this might be the last breakfast she might ever make for me… and it was.

Her condition got worse and worse. Chemotherapy made her weak. She required hospitalization every week. At one point, the doctors asked to keep her in hospital for longer to observe her. Luckily, my brother managed to get her a private room in the hospital. It had a bed for the caretaker to sleep in as well. And enough room for her to walk around when she gets bored of lying down.

The months spent in hospital felt so long. I remember how life was then. I woke up by 6, usually skipped breakfast and rushed to relieve my sister who spent the night at hospital. I had morning class at 830, so if my sister is going to be late or if mum just wanted to sleep, I took care of her morning routine. That was to give her a shower and make sure she had breakfast. One thing I loved was combing and plaiting her hair. She even loved it, and even though it was difficult for her to sit up for long, she let me. I had to realize that she was tired and make her lie down. We had stopped chemotherapy since there was no improvement.

Later on, her condition got worse as the cancer affected her digestive system. We took her to the hospital for the last time. She stayed hospitalized for months. She was no longer able to process food. She needed a feeding tube, which had to be aspirated to remove the fluid that was forming in her abdomen due to the cancer. Morphine had to be administered almost every three hours (I think) or so to manage her pain.

At this point the doctors suggested a surgery to remove the excess fluid and insert tubes directly to her stomach for feeding. The operation was done on 4th May. I remember that day. I skipped an exam and rushed to hospital to speak to Mum before her surgery. She had not been given morphine, so she was in a proper state of mind. She talked to all of us, separately and together. She told me to never knowingly do something I will regret, and to be a good girl. That was the last time (and possibly the first time in a long time) that I received a hug from her. I remember being in tears as she was taken in to the Operation Theatre. That was the last time I saw the real her.

After the operation, she was in so much pain. She had painkillers administered whenever she needed to manage her pain. She had her operation on Wednesday the 4th. That Saturday which was 7th May, I remember standing outside in the park of the hospital. I was watching the sunset. And I remember realizing that she will not make it past tomorrow. I remember just standing there frozen till my brother came to fetch me after I missed his calls. He and I talked about it for a bit. Apparently, the doctor’s did not realize her conditions were so bad. Had they known… they would not have operated on her. The worst part? The doctor who operated on her was my uncle. My mother’s brother. I don’t know what he might have gone through.

That night I refused to go home. But everyone insisted that I go home and come back in the morning as soon as I can. So I went home… to an empty home. I couldn’t sleep properly. I woke up every hour to check my phone to see if they called. Next morning, before going to hospital i quickly went through twitter ( i used to tweet back then). I found out that it was mother’s day. How ironic was it that she was about to die on Mother’s Day? I rushed to hospital… well I walked. It was less than half mile away. When I reached the hospital I saw so many people waiting outside. People I don’t even know properly, distant relatives. They patted my back and told me to stay strong. I felt like screaming at them to go away.

When I got to the room, I saw my family gathered around the bed. Mum was gasping for air, by now. She had oxygen mask on, and she was connected to a heart rate monitor. My brother was so silent that it worried me. My aunts and uncle (my mother had lots of sisters and brothers… all of them who loved her so much) were there too. My sisters were sobbing in a corner. My Antio (relative and my sister’s bestfriend) was also there, in tears. I was confused I think. I held my mother’s hand, put on a cheeky grin and started talking my little nephew. He also came near and talked to me and told me about his grandmother. A distant relative made a snide remark at me for being so okay with all of what’s happening. This is when my brother snapped, asked everyone to leave. Everyone. Just my brother, my sisters and I remained. It was almost 11 o clock by then.

Brother asked me to talk to her… despite her inability to possibly understand what’s going on. He gave me a minute to tell her that i loved her. I just stood there. Taking in the sight of her. Taking in the fact that this face is going to go away, and i will never see it again. And for everything that happened… i couldn’t tell her i loved her. I couldn’t speak a word. But i screamed in my head telling her not to go. If only she heard.

… *sigh*

I don’t really wanna write the rest of it. She passed away around 12:07. I remember everything that happened at that moment, but nothing of what happened the rest of the day. My bestfriend came to see me a while later and was with me the whole day (even though she was 7 months pregnant). She said I was surprisingly calm, while others were weepy. I did cry at first. But I was stuck later on. I went home after her funeral later that day… and I just stayed in my room.

Mum and Me :)

Mum and Me 🙂

8th May will forever be the day I lost the most important thing in my life. I did not just lose one parent. I lost both. When my Dad died long back when I was 7 years of age, I felt nothing. I didn’t even understand the concept of death. No one bothered to explain. I was playing under a table with my toys and I overheard people saying that he is no more. I felt nothing. My mother became both parents for me. She had her faults, but she was the best mother I could have ever asked for. To me… she is irreplaceable. I will never call anyone else mother, and I will never be anyone’s daughter again.

Fireflies

Living on the edge of a cliff
The sound of the running water,
Ever reminding me of the time
Wishing to freeze every drop of it

Seeing the valley filled with flowers
Spreading over the horizon
The rays of fire and sky
Blending in the scene of the ever setting sun

And when the dark approaches
There is little that can be done
Coz its a strange thing,
Wishing for fireflies in the dark…

Just a Dream

Untitled

Someone smiles at me

I smile back

For he’s given me a dream

A future to look forward to


Someone frowns at me

I smile back

For all i see is my mistakes

All coming back to me


Someone laughs at me

I smile back

For all the mistakes i made

I’m paying back


I never thought i would get over

Never thought i would be here

So it’s like all dreams

This one was just the same


Is it a Crime not to Dream?

Find me my four leaf clover

Crowded among the grass

Raise my voice over the abyss

Make me a someone


I didn’t come unwanted

I won’t let go so easily

Fill my eyes with your shine

Greet me like a dove


Don’t bring me down at dusk

Hold on even if the sun sets

The falling water from the cliff

Cries for the tales untold


And like the fading stars

Don’t wane away into nothing

Cause i wanna live a reality

Not a dream…

Originally written on 19th January 2009

A Student Life

How does a student life go? Is it always easy peasy as people imagine? Here is how student life feels for me:

1. Being tired ALL . THE . TIME . (specially those days before the finals)

5-More-MinsI’m tired. Like super tired. Coffee usually keeps me awake, but now it doesn’t work.

The other day i was working late that i forgot breakfast and lunch. I ended up filling up on a pizza for a late lunch. Yep. A full pizza. It was all the meals of the day for me. Ofcoz, it wasn’t one sitting. It took me over 2 hours to eat it. By dinner time, i wasn’t hungry. After a night class, i slept after some tea. Next morning i woke up really hungry. But the clock told me that i am gonna be late. I had four hours of classes. Without breakfast i had to rush. I bought a drink on my way, but i had no guts to drink it in public. I came home that afternoon, tired and worn out.. and starving. By then it was 24 hours since i ate. But the bed looked too comfy, and i slept. And slept… and slept.

Yeap, that’s how bad it gets sometimes. Naturally, i woke up later and had something to eat.

2. You never have any money by the end of the month

clip-art-man-with-empty-walletToday, i realized i am broke… again. I have just 20 bucks left right now. (That’s like USD 1.3). That buys me a bread. But i need some water. I guess i have to take a small loan again *sigh* Loans… I have so many loans piled up. I have been paying for my tuition fee on my own. The first year, my brother paid for me. But now i pay on my own.. ‘coz *cough* grown up and all that *cough*

These days have been a string of bad mistakes. First, i spent so much on some stuff i didn’t need. Being an undergrad student is supposed to be easy i hear. But, i have to work to earn a living. I pay bills on my own. I know, lots of others do it too. But, its scary. Being responsible and stuff.. scary.

3. Trying to find a grad school that might take me in

gty_graduation_piggy_bank_nt_130621_wmainMy brother wants me to apply for a masters degree. I feel like screaming at him that i am not even done with the bachelor’s degree! I know his heart is in the right place. His nagging made me look into it. I found a uni in NZ that offers the course that i want. It was pricey. WOW pricey! Approximately $40000. That’s like more than half a million bucks here.

*sigh* I’m gonna have to apply for a scholarship or get a student loan. The interest rates here are so high that it scares me. But lets see..

4. Say bye-bye to social life

tumblr_inline_mwohf1P37z1qjhcjaDespite being an introvert, i do have a good number of friends. It’s more like close friends. There is actually two groups that i consider being close friends with. One is kinda getting distant now. I still talk to all of them separately when ever i can. They also keep in touch. Some of them are abroad so, we only meet up annually.

Then there is my current “gang”. It’s two couples, and their two other friends, one of them’s sister, and me. We meet up almost every month. At least i try to meet them once a month. If they had it their way it would be every night. They get annoyed that i don’t hang out as often. And luckily my best-friend understands that i have to study, so she makes them .. well understanding a bit. My birthday is coming up right before my exams and possibly on the day of my final presentation. I already have threats from them to be thrown to the sea, whether i have exam or not. (Not sure if they are kidding. I hope they are kidding. I can’t swim O_O)

I love those guys. I wish i can hang out with them more often. But, sometimes there is a paper due or an exam. And for me relaxing time isn’t with friends. It’s when i’m alone in my room and resting or watching something.. ALONE. Hanging out with them is exhausting. And those nights i do hang out with them, i come home like around 1:30 AM.. and i end up being late for morning class.

5. Constantly worrying about grades 

grumpyI dunno about others. I find myself day dreaming (or day nightmare-ing) about the bad case scenarios. Like being late for my final presentation or oversleeping on the day of my finals. Or failing my final project. Or having a issue in my code while presenting my program (yeah, i do Info Tech). Or not getting 80% attendance to sit for exams. Or having an asthma attack while in the exam hall (I have a thing about using inhaler in public.. i am shy that way). Or forgetting my calculator for my stats exam. Or having the calculator on the wrong mode and finishing the exam with wrong answers. Or ALL of my pens running out of ink suddenly.

*breathe*

Now, i need a cookie or something

You

You may know by now that i like you

But you have no idea how much,

I’m trying to be myself around you

And somehow ruining everything for us


Just wish you knew, i think of you

Whether we are fighting

Or if you had just made my day

Coz i just love hearing your voice


You don’t cheer me up always,

And I’m sure I don’t either

But i just want you to know

When you do, it’s the best thing


I’m scared i may lose you

That one day we are just passer-by’s

But now i know being scared,

I’m just pushing you away


I know I’ve kept to myself

Been doing it almost all my life

And this is me, trying to let it out

In my own way.

Just wishing, i could put an ‘and me’

At the end of the heading


Originally written on 28th September 2010

Here is the story behind this.

Rantings of a hyper me

Warning: Ranting coming up!

Don’t you just hate it when you are hyper and in need of talking to someone, but there is NO one to talk to? I don’t know about others, but it happens to me. I just finished part of my project (part..  like only 10%) and i was all hyper and excited about it. I live in a house full of people (Lots of people.. but thank god i have my own room, in which i would stay all day if i could). Sometimes even with all those people, i feel alone. I’m a hugger. When i am sad, or moody, or even excited and happy.. i need to hug someone. I have a sister i can hug, and another sister who would scream at the slightest touch (i wonder how she ever got married.. or is it just me?)

Minecraft survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

Minecraft PE survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

I love hugging people. But sometimes, specially right now, when i’m this excited about something, there is no one. Not even my 7 year old nephew, unless i threaten him that i won’t play MineCraft with him on Fridays (We play it every Friday for hours non-stop). Yes, i play MineCraft. It’s FUNNNN!!! And yes I’m a horrible person as to threaten a 7 year old with games 😛 But, he does that to me! If i don’t do as he says in MineCraft, he would attack me with a sword (a MineCraft sword). I love that little devil. He brightens up the days most of the time. (Not all the time, just most. He tend to get on my bad side and annoy the hell out of me. Example: jumping up and down singing “lets play MineCraft” when i have a work due in a few hours”) But today he is off at his Grandma’s, coz his mother has exam. And there is no one i can annoy or talk excitedly about my project with — EXCEPT YOU GUYS!!! 😀

So.. i am LOVING the fact that i started blogging again! (yes, i used to have a blog before, mainly just poems.. was too afraid to write like this ‘coz people might judge me)

Natural Escape - ApplePie  scented candle

Natural Escape – Apple Pie scented candle

While we are at it. Don’t you just LOVE candles? I dunno why, but i light up my candle (only one right now) every night, while getting ready for bed. Makes me relax for some reason. Right now it’s applepie scented candle. I should get some more scented ones 😀 My sister has a coconut scented one, and if she lights it, it just makes the entire place smell so awesum (Yes i love spelling awesome like that)

Anyway, better get to work again. More to do… *sigh*

Silver Sparkle

silver christmas16

 

Blindly, i am staring

Into the silver light

Enchanted by the sparkles

Of bitter dead hope


When reality shows no mercy

And when all hopes are are amiss

That little silver sparkle

Brings joy back to life


As ages pass

And history moves on

The seventh prime of the tenth

I shall remember

 


(Originally written on December 4th 2008)