Day 1 at work

What if I’m not this person? What if I’m just kidding myself?

First day in office,  I’m scared half to death.  So much of reading to do.  So much to catch up on.  So much of people to bond with.. and remembering faces. 

Why did they hire me?  My cousin told me thar they hired me coz I was the only girl.  The only girl in a section full of boys. I’m not intimidated by them.  Well.. Maybe a Lil.  But my worst worry is that .. They might go easy on me.  I wanna be treated as equal.  I don’t wanna be given preference.

The good and the bad

Let’s start with the bad. Since it was the bad that happened first anyway.

Two days ago, my sister was cooking up some prawns. I LOVE prawns. But sometime back i had a bit of my lip swelled up after eating prawns. So i decided that i can’t eat it. Again later on i accidentally ate it (mixed into some rice).. and nothing at all happened. So this day (two days ago), i thought it’s gonna be okay. How wrong was i?

First nothing happened. I rejoiced saying “I’m alive”. I was making kites with my niece and nephew. We went up on the terrace to fly them. Mid flight i felt my lungs burning up. It was the worst attack i had. I can’t remember how i managed to get downstairs to my apartment to grab my inhaler.. nor the number of puffs i took. I was scared. My nephew followed me angry, ‘coz i left so abruptly. He saw my state and rushed to his mother. Previously, i have told all of them that if i have an attack, leave me be for a while. I get irritated when people touch me, or talk. So my sisters observed me from afar, once in awhile coming into the room and checking up. My eldest sister noticed that i got hives. My face was swelled up and red. She insisted that i go to hospital. I insisted no, I hate hospitals.

Like an hour later, the asthma attack got better, but the hives were there, and it was getting worse. I hated that feeling, so i agreed to go to hospital. The doctor i showed to didn’t even look at me, ask a question, check my skin or my breathing before he started writing medication down. He didn’t bother to explain what it was even when asked. Just said to take this at this hour and that at that hour. On top of that he wasn’t sure of the medicine name, and was asking his helper if she knew. I was irritated. I wasn’t gonna take a medicine that was given by a doctor on a whim.

Anyway.. i feel much better now. No thanks to medicine. But i realized later that my attack could have been worse. Anaphylaxis was the worst thing that could have happened.. and thank god that it didn’t happen. The emergencies in this town… they suck. People have to wait in line for emergencies, to be categorized to see whats worse. If the person who sees me first doesn’t realize i really can’t breathe, i’ll have to wait for treatment.

Now for the good news. I got the job i applied for. YAYYYYY! I mean this is not just any job. This is THE job. The job i always wanted. The place i always wanted to work at. I will finally be able to show to everyone that i can do it. Coding is something i love. And i will be doing that for a career. Yayyy! 😀 Salary is awesum. People there seem friendly. Today i went and signed the contract. I start work tomorrow. I am SOO nervous.

Here’s to dreams coming true.. 🙂

The last month

It’s been a white since a posted anything. Over one and a half month i think. I’ve been depressed. Every time i thought of writing a post or anything .. i just kept asking “What’s the point?” Even when i needed to plan and make lists (which i often do).. i just kept asking that. In turn, i didn’t make lists, i didn’t write down how everything was with me, and i didn’t even manage to plan for the next hour of a day.

I dunno how that happened. But because of that, i have successfully failed in the project i was attempting and the math module. Talking about it still makes me feel uncomfertable. Seeing my transcript that day made me want to crawl up in my bed and cry the whole day. And that’s what i did. But not a whole day. For almost a week. I told no one, and i just stayed in bed.

By the time i told my immediate family, it was a week past. By the time i told my aunts (who are still relatively close people for me) it was a fortnight past i think. I told my friends about this a month later (minus my bestfriend.. she knew right away)

Since then it’s been chaos. I’ve been trying to understand what i did wrong. Everything i did was SO wrong that it’s impossible to believe that i did that in a sensible mind. But then, i doubt i did that in a sensible mind. I still recall my mentality that semester. I was all “I’ll do that after my exams”, “I’ll meet you guys after exams”, “I’ll go to this place after my exams”. To top it off my birthday fell on my study break. I did not go out, i did not enjoy myself. Everything… after exams. And after exams? Depression with the results. So that’s ONE thing i did wrong. Putting things off for after exams.

Two. I listened to people. The wrong type of people. Some of my friends, i believe, are not a good influence on me. They judged me for being who i was. I am normally someone who makes lists of things to do. I organize every day of my life. I plan things on my whiteboard. I have a system. I have to have my bed made the moment i get off it. I clean my wardrobe once a week. I dust once a week. I simply cannot sleep if my room isn’t at least swept, and my toilet clean. Yes, i cannot get into bed unless my room is clean enough. Even if in the middle of the night, i clean. If i’m going out of the house, like college or somewhere, i have to clean my room. My friends doesn’t like this about me. They said i was being too much. They made fun. And … i was naive. I actually believed it. And i tried pushing myself to see how much of not cleaning i could handle. And that made me more depressed, seeing the state of the room.

Three. I make terrible decisions. I decided to attempt my final year project alone. It’s a 120 credit project. I decided to do it ALONE. Alone isn’t allowed. There was two other teams. And, i opted to do it alone. Just coz i am .. controlling? I dunno. It was a BAD decision. BAAAD BAAAAAD! 😦

So to sum up:
1. I need to live my life. Studies and my own life CAN come simultaneously!
2. Stop listening to others. Follow my own instincts. If i like things clean, do it!
3. Learn to make better decisions. Ask the right people for advice. People with experience!

Anyway.. since then stuff have happened. Some for the best i guess. I applied for a job at the place i have always wanted to work at. And i get an answer tomorrow. I’m hoping for the best 🙂 Also, I’m attempting the project this time again. This time i got a team. A very challenging team.

All in all… i guess things happen for the best 🙂