Is it a Crime not to Dream?

Find me my four leaf clover

Crowded among the grass

Raise my voice over the abyss

Make me a someone


I didn’t come unwanted

I won’t let go so easily

Fill my eyes with your shine

Greet me like a dove


Don’t bring me down at dusk

Hold on even if the sun sets

The falling water from the cliff

Cries for the tales untold


And like the fading stars

Don’t wane away into nothing

Cause i wanna live a reality

Not a dream…

Originally written on 19th January 2009

A Student Life

How does a student life go? Is it always easy peasy as people imagine? Here is how student life feels for me:

1. Being tired ALL . THE . TIME . (specially those days before the finals)

5-More-MinsI’m tired. Like super tired. Coffee usually keeps me awake, but now it doesn’t work.

The other day i was working late that i forgot breakfast and lunch. I ended up filling up on a pizza for a late lunch. Yep. A full pizza. It was all the meals of the day for me. Ofcoz, it wasn’t one sitting. It took me over 2 hours to eat it. By dinner time, i wasn’t hungry. After a night class, i slept after some tea. Next morning i woke up really hungry. But the clock told me that i am gonna be late. I had four hours of classes. Without breakfast i had to rush. I bought a drink on my way, but i had no guts to drink it in public. I came home that afternoon, tired and worn out.. and starving. By then it was 24 hours since i ate. But the bed looked too comfy, and i slept. And slept… and slept.

Yeap, that’s how bad it gets sometimes. Naturally, i woke up later and had something to eat.

2. You never have any money by the end of the month

clip-art-man-with-empty-walletToday, i realized i am broke… again. I have just 20 bucks left right now. (That’s like USD 1.3). That buys me a bread. But i need some water. I guess i have to take a small loan again *sigh* Loans… I have so many loans piled up. I have been paying for my tuition fee on my own. The first year, my brother paid for me. But now i pay on my own.. ‘coz *cough* grown up and all that *cough*

These days have been a string of bad mistakes. First, i spent so much on some stuff i didn’t need. Being an undergrad student is supposed to be easy i hear. But, i have to work to earn a living. I pay bills on my own. I know, lots of others do it too. But, its scary. Being responsible and stuff.. scary.

3. Trying to find a grad school that might take me in

gty_graduation_piggy_bank_nt_130621_wmainMy brother wants me to apply for a masters degree. I feel like screaming at him that i am not even done with the bachelor’s degree! I know his heart is in the right place. His nagging made me look into it. I found a uni in NZ that offers the course that i want. It was pricey. WOW pricey! Approximately $40000. That’s like more than half a million bucks here.

*sigh* I’m gonna have to apply for a scholarship or get a student loan. The interest rates here are so high that it scares me. But lets see..

4. Say bye-bye to social life

tumblr_inline_mwohf1P37z1qjhcjaDespite being an introvert, i do have a good number of friends. It’s more like close friends. There is actually two groups that i consider being close friends with. One is kinda getting distant now. I still talk to all of them separately when ever i can. They also keep in touch. Some of them are abroad so, we only meet up annually.

Then there is my current “gang”. It’s two couples, and their two other friends, one of them’s sister, and me. We meet up almost every month. At least i try to meet them once a month. If they had it their way it would be every night. They get annoyed that i don’t hang out as often. And luckily my best-friend understands that i have to study, so she makes them .. well understanding a bit. My birthday is coming up right before my exams and possibly on the day of my final presentation. I already have threats from them to be thrown to the sea, whether i have exam or not. (Not sure if they are kidding. I hope they are kidding. I can’t swim O_O)

I love those guys. I wish i can hang out with them more often. But, sometimes there is a paper due or an exam. And for me relaxing time isn’t with friends. It’s when i’m alone in my room and resting or watching something.. ALONE. Hanging out with them is exhausting. And those nights i do hang out with them, i come home like around 1:30 AM.. and i end up being late for morning class.

5. Constantly worrying about grades 

grumpyI dunno about others. I find myself day dreaming (or day nightmare-ing) about the bad case scenarios. Like being late for my final presentation or oversleeping on the day of my finals. Or failing my final project. Or having a issue in my code while presenting my program (yeah, i do Info Tech). Or not getting 80% attendance to sit for exams. Or having an asthma attack while in the exam hall (I have a thing about using inhaler in public.. i am shy that way). Or forgetting my calculator for my stats exam. Or having the calculator on the wrong mode and finishing the exam with wrong answers. Or ALL of my pens running out of ink suddenly.

*breathe*

Now, i need a cookie or something

You

You may know by now that i like you

But you have no idea how much,

I’m trying to be myself around you

And somehow ruining everything for us


Just wish you knew, i think of you

Whether we are fighting

Or if you had just made my day

Coz i just love hearing your voice


You don’t cheer me up always,

And I’m sure I don’t either

But i just want you to know

When you do, it’s the best thing


I’m scared i may lose you

That one day we are just passer-by’s

But now i know being scared,

I’m just pushing you away


I know I’ve kept to myself

Been doing it almost all my life

And this is me, trying to let it out

In my own way.

Just wishing, i could put an ‘and me’

At the end of the heading


Originally written on 28th September 2010

Here is the story behind this.

Rantings of a hyper me

Warning: Ranting coming up!

Don’t you just hate it when you are hyper and in need of talking to someone, but there is NO one to talk to? I don’t know about others, but it happens to me. I just finished part of my project (part..  like only 10%) and i was all hyper and excited about it. I live in a house full of people (Lots of people.. but thank god i have my own room, in which i would stay all day if i could). Sometimes even with all those people, i feel alone. I’m a hugger. When i am sad, or moody, or even excited and happy.. i need to hug someone. I have a sister i can hug, and another sister who would scream at the slightest touch (i wonder how she ever got married.. or is it just me?)

Minecraft survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

Minecraft PE survival world with Ninja Expert (my nephew)

I love hugging people. But sometimes, specially right now, when i’m this excited about something, there is no one. Not even my 7 year old nephew, unless i threaten him that i won’t play MineCraft with him on Fridays (We play it every Friday for hours non-stop). Yes, i play MineCraft. It’s FUNNNN!!! And yes I’m a horrible person as to threaten a 7 year old with games 😛 But, he does that to me! If i don’t do as he says in MineCraft, he would attack me with a sword (a MineCraft sword). I love that little devil. He brightens up the days most of the time. (Not all the time, just most. He tend to get on my bad side and annoy the hell out of me. Example: jumping up and down singing “lets play MineCraft” when i have a work due in a few hours”) But today he is off at his Grandma’s, coz his mother has exam. And there is no one i can annoy or talk excitedly about my project with — EXCEPT YOU GUYS!!! 😀

So.. i am LOVING the fact that i started blogging again! (yes, i used to have a blog before, mainly just poems.. was too afraid to write like this ‘coz people might judge me)

Natural Escape - ApplePie  scented candle

Natural Escape – Apple Pie scented candle

While we are at it. Don’t you just LOVE candles? I dunno why, but i light up my candle (only one right now) every night, while getting ready for bed. Makes me relax for some reason. Right now it’s applepie scented candle. I should get some more scented ones 😀 My sister has a coconut scented one, and if she lights it, it just makes the entire place smell so awesum (Yes i love spelling awesome like that)

Anyway, better get to work again. More to do… *sigh*

Silver Sparkle

silver christmas16

 

Blindly, i am staring

Into the silver light

Enchanted by the sparkles

Of bitter dead hope


When reality shows no mercy

And when all hopes are are amiss

That little silver sparkle

Brings joy back to life


As ages pass

And history moves on

The seventh prime of the tenth

I shall remember

 


(Originally written on December 4th 2008)

Sleep and Diet during Exams

We have all been there. The effect exams have on sleep and sleep patterns. Some people sleep more than usual. Some others, struggle to sleep. I am the latter type. I just cannot get comfy in the bed during exams. It’s literally impossible. Even worse for me is my diet. I skip so many meals and end up binge eating later. Those who manage to get enough sleep and eat properly during exams… i applaud to you! And please tell me your secrets!

Today i finished my last mid-sem exam. It was horror. My lecturer served a paper of nightmare and horror! Reasons?

  • He himself disappeared minutes before the examination began.
  • There was a 5 marks worth question that wasn’t even in his list of topics being assessed.
  • The invigilator handed out the third assignment… right as he picked up our papers, inside the exam hall!

So yeah… I’m miserable. Worst of all, i didn’t manage to sleep last night. I tried getting into bed twice. Each time i tossed and turned for like an hour before i had to pee. I get up, try studying a bit more. Then i start yawning, get into bed.. and BAM! No more sleepy.

Finally it was 6 am, when i decided to get breakfast and head to the exam which was at 8 am. Oh and breakfast? I forgot to buy groceries, and i was lazy to go to a near by shop (i refuse to get out of my PJs for at least an hour in the morning).. So there was nothing to eat. Just a cup of coffee and head to exam.

I was like a zombie for the next 6 hours. (‘Coz i had 3 hours exam and the next three hours class). As my blog name reads i am an introvert. I prefer smaller number of people to talk to. I hate talking to strangers. But today, i managed to talk to two of my classmates. Yeah, same class with them for the last 3 months, i still dunno their names. If i didn’t talk/discuss the topics during class today, i would have surely fallen asleep.

As of now, i still have not slept. Counting 41th hour since i last got sleep.. That sounds a bit extreme.. *checks again* …. Yep. 41 hours. Okay, chop chop. Off to bed.

Anyway, how do YOU deal with exam stress?

PS: I ate an entire pizza after coming home. Yes.. an . entire . PIZZA! The horror. But to my defense that’s my entire meal today, and i made promises to myself that i wont do it again.

Things i am grateful for

Over the last five years, i have been challenged in more ways than one. During this time i have built a wall over around me, and I’ve not let people in.  ‘Coz funny enough, when i do let people in, they find a way to get scared and run off, or mock me for being who i am and worse breaking all ties with me.

Aaaaagh! Enough!

Enough with the negativity. I have been having a really negative outlook on life. To turn it all around, i’m gonna list things i am grateful for in my life.

1. For being alive and healthy (for the most part): I started having asthma attacks during my late teens. It was bad. Hospital every other week. More medicines than i could count. I hated that experience. I still have asthma. Still chronic, and i have attacks almost every day or every two days. But, i’m so much more improved compared to the past.

2. For having had the chance connected with my mother: My mother was a difficult person to talk to. She passed away almost four years ago, on a mother’s day. I was devastated obviously. But considering the difficult person she was, my time with her during her last year (from cancer diagnosis to .. death) is irreplaceable and priceless to me. I saw her fun side. We would go window shopping, just for the hell of it. I would actually sit on the floor near her chair (she had a special chair, much like Sheldon’s spot), my hand on her lap, just looking up to her as she would tell the tales of her childhood. She would let me cook for her (she NEVER let me in the kitchen before that) and she critiqued my food.. like i never expected her to (apparently it reminded her of her mother 🙂 )

3. For a best-friend for whom i owe so much to: Me and my best friend, we had a rocky relationship. We met in high school. She used me to make her less bored during her lunch break. I used her to get more friends. We fought like couples. At one point, she called me a ‘bitch’ in class, and i asked her to ‘f**k off’. Those were words neither of us use, even today. We stayed angry for ages. But.. i dunno, its been over 8 years, and we have been inseparable. We text each other for the simplest thing. She has two gorgeous boys of age 3 and 1. I couldn’t have found a better friend.

4. For every  misery i have had in the past and the more to come: ‘Coz i have realized, its the tough times that makes me a stronger person.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” Henry Ford

There are many other things i am grateful for. Many other people i am grateful for having in my life. If  i am to write all those down, it could take me forever. Just for now, i am thankful 🙂 for everything in my life…

Math and Donuts

I have my stat class in .. 6 minutes exactly, and i’m just here. Online. Watching the clock. I know if i grab a cab and go now i would still be late. My lecturer (nicknamed by me as: Snoopy) makes a big deal about being late.. in the auditorium filled with over 150 students. Yes, he would single the person out and that would start an hour long lecture (actually just 10 minutes, but pretty sure if he can he would ramble on) about being on time.

Anyway… this is my second time being late to this class. And i’ve a trick to not being in the limelight. We get like 10 minutes of break during which we can grab a bottle of water or other stuff. I turn up at that time, no way Snoopy can notice 😛 (luckily we don’t have an ID card system .. yet)

My excuse for this madness? Donuts! My sister (I have three of them, let’s call this one Freckles) went to Malaysia for a few days. I made her bring donuts for me. It’s from Big Apple Donuts & Coffee. It’s TO.DIE.FOR. Or i’m just crazy about having a decent donuts finally. By the way, the picture above is not mine, but that’s basically the donuts i ate. I was too excited about eating them, i didn’t have time to snap a picture.

Why do people insist on taking pictures before eating anyway? Or taking pictures before doing basically anything. I saw a few funny YouTube videos about it. Beep… beep… boop. Okay found one of them. BuzzFeed’s one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgWIxv5_6SE

Alright-y, i should get to class.

PS: I’m really glad i started blogging again.

Hello world :)

I guess there is a reason that the default title reads Hello World. I wanted to write something unique as my first post, but 15 minutes into thinking.. still waiting for that uniqueness.

To start, i am a girl. Strike that, i am a woman. Almost 25 counts as woman? Anyway. I always enjoyed writing. For some reason today right now, i am at a loss for words. I’m starting this blog anonymously, because there are some stuff in my life i want people close to me to not know. That’s not so weird is it? Mostly, people don’t even have time to hear me out anyway, and i wouldn’t like to force people to stay and listen either. I just need some way to get my thoughts out once in a while. Else my head will explode (not literally, i just go into depression mode for a day and eat an entire pizza or something)

I’ve always kept a journal, at some point in my life or the other. In the form of an actual book to keeping it as a One Note file on my laptop. Books get lost, or read by those with prying eyes. Files on laptop get deleted at some point. I used to keep a blog on Blog-spot even, but that was mainly poetry. (Yeah, i love poetry). So, what better way to start journal-ing than to start a blog again? 😀