This might be a cheesy post. But it’s something i’ve felt over the past couple of years.
Whenever i watch a lovey dovey movie.. or whenever i go to a wedding.. i get this feeling. This bad bad gut feeling.. that i’m destined to be alone. That i’m not good enough. That my not being pretty or not being good enough is the reason why i am still single. It just physically pains me sometimes. Literally.. physically pains me. I dunno why. But it does.
I know i’m not an old maid, but i’m 25. I’ve been in love once. Two years or so ago. And he was the only guy i knew ever. Since then.. it’s been nothing. I did go on dates. Disappointing ones. I end up coming home and crying coz it went that bad. But then there are other times i come home crying.. That’s when someone is sweet to me, and i know i can’t have him. I know i can never have him. I am never satisfied am i? Someone not being interested hurts, and someone being sweet to me hurts. Such a wuss i am.
But that’s not the thing. When i look into the mirror, i see a nobody. I mean, yes it’s great that now i finally have a job doing what i’ve always wanted. But.. i’ve also wanted to be with someone. To belong. To be loved. I feel like even that’s selfish to ask. Greedy of me to ask. Whenever someone gives me a ride home or something.. i make sure i thank the person. Whenever someone does me a favor.. i thank the person. Not coz i am trying to be grateful or anything… i mean i am. But it’s mainly coz i don’t feel like im good enough to be done that favor, or given that ride. I see a nobody.. looking at that mirror.
I know it’s a lot of complaining… but i get tired of seeing my friends get into relationships. Committing to each other. Getting married. Having kids. Having another kid. I get tired of realizing its a life i cant have. I keep thinking if i was pretty or slim, someone might notice me. But im not any of those. I am not even good at talking. I freak out and sound like a moose half the time.
… what do i do?